AidahBurne
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Sunday, March 08, 2009
it's all in my mind don't tell me the worst is over now.. cause to me, it's just starting. you know how i always say, i don't really like humans (even though i am one!).. well, exhibit A, just prove me why. we always always look at people's flaws. why can't we factor in the good deeds that someone has done & then maybe that good deeds can cancel out the flaws. somehow. HAHA. what joke. i haven't done many good things in my life. so, what is it am i expecting? my sarcasm to cancel out my flaws? wake up call, aidah. your sarcasm IS YOUR FLAW. but, you see, sometimes i act the way i am, sarcastic, defensive, detached, indifferent to the world because i want to hurt you before you have the chance to hurt me. i am veryy veryy sensitive to criticism. i will crumble in the face of it. as to date, no one actually understand this principle of self preservation i have in me. well, maybe except baidura. cause' well, she's been at the violent end of it for 7 years. (& for that, im grateful) maybe, i really am despicable, horrible & above all, undeserving of you. but, you won't let me go away. what do i have to do now? i really really understand what's going on but i just don't fucking understand why i act the way i do. (like, im going to popular soon-ish to buy this book called 'why i act the way i act', i kid you not, it exist.) & obviously, im confused. cause i have thought up a certain something & not sure if its the best solution. i mean, what after? am i always this retardedly emo? cause' its disturbing. really, it imbalances my aura. so imbalance that ive turned so quiet up to the point of being mono syllabic. & that is very disturbing according to ferhan. cause i ALWAYS have something to say. i really need to stop. im watching unexpected access & the kid has a problem more grave than me. (the slaughtering of the pig episode is so bloody sick. i don't see the humanity! HAAA) syirah said its a test. so i either be strong & pass it. or, be weak & fail it & lose the person i hold dear but it hurts so much, to be labelled that. really. i'm speech impaired when it comes to telling people how i feel. so, i dont see me telling you how hurt i am anywhere in the near future. maybe i'll write a letter. HAHA & maybe i'll regret you it's all in my mind.. it's all in my mind i made a move at 9:51 PM
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illuminator
Aidah Burne I'm staying here until you make me move |
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